My buddy “Axe” works at a convenience store, here are rules on convenience store use based on his stories:
If you go to a gas station to buy something, please follow these courtesy/common sense tips:
1. Even if they wanted to, Circle K employees are NOT allowed to have sex with you in the bathroom while on duty. Please don’t ask. And if you DO ask, and they say no, the proper response is NOT to lock yourself in the bathroom and refuse to leave until they comply with your request. Other people need to use that.
2. If I ask for your ID on a restricted sales purchase, that indicates that I don’t think you look like a crotchety old hag. If you yell at me for asking you to expend the enormous amount of energy to take your wallet out of your purse and open it, that proves that you ARE a crotchety old hag.
3. If you’re so drunk that you’re staggering into other customers in the store, please think VERY carefully before trying to buy gas from a gas station clerk who is, most likely, on a first name basis with half the cops in the city. If you get into the drivers seat after that, I WILL make the call.
4. That being said, if you’re walking or have a driver, I don’t give two licks what drug you’re on, or how much you’ve had to drink, and I DON’T remember asking
5. When throwing away 40 pounds of clothes, please use the outside trash cans. If (when) the bag breaks, outside is better for everyone.
6. If you use my phone to order pizza (a cab, hookers, drugs, insert noun here) to my store, you’d sure as hell better be here until they arrive. I don’t have the time or motivation to explain to them where I think you went.
6 (b). You order _______ to my store, YOU give them directions. I WILL NOT spend 15 minutes on the phone with a barely intelligible cab driver trying to explain that west is towards the mountains EVER again.
7. Don’t yell at me. It’s not my fault cigarettes are so expensive, or that it’s illegal to sell beer after midnight, or that you can’t speak english, or that you didn’t bring your ID in from the car, or that you don’t have enough money, or that I can’t take your $100 bill at 2 in the morning, or that the bathroom is locked (see #1).
8. Your loud argument with your significant other about (insert anything here) ENDS when you walk in. Glower all you want, but if I hear it inside my store, it becomes my business. So zip it.
9. Most gas stations don’t sell drugs. In general, you can get away with asking for drugs once per gas station per employee without getting the cops called, because it’s funny. Please note, however, that I can photographically remember the faces of every person who has ever asked me for drugs. Don’t be retarded. Ask for bath salts once, it’s hilarious. Four times, and I begin to realize how much I DON’T want my face eaten off.
10. If the store is empty, you can start checking out, then continue to shop, then finish checking out. But as soon as another car pulls into the lot, your shopping ENDS when you start checking out. (Note: You can leave stuff at the counter to continue to shop if you have a large order, but I have to be able to help other people while you’re gone).
11. Yes, I am judging you. Get over it. I’m a gas station clerk. When I get a job where my opinion matters, you can be offended. And quite frankly, if you’re too fat to pronounce words correctly (not even joking), or you’re buying $80 in candy with your food stamps, I couldn’t care less if you’re offended.
12. If it’s after 9 PM but before 9 AM, and you’re buying something less than $10, DO NOT hand me a $20 when I can clearly see that fat stack of fives and tens in your wallet. You DO NOT know how completely useless a $20 bill is. The same applies to hundreds (at any time of day). Circle K is not a bank. Regardless of legal requirements or company policies, don’t try to pay for a pack of gum with a hundred, ever, even if it’s all you’ve got. You WILL get turned down.
13. If you come up to the counter talking on the phone, I won’t speak to you. I will ring you up, and you get to figure it out from there. If you can do this (it’s not that hard for the 10% of the population who are functionally literate), no problem. If not, get off the damn phone.
14. If you scream at a woman inside my store, I’ll call the cops on you. If you hit a woman inside my store, I’ll call the ambulance for what’s left of you.
15. I don’t care how attractive you are, or how much you’re flirting with me. I won’t hold up the 30-person line behind you to give you my phone number. Come back later when I’m dying of boredom.
16. As far as restricted sales are concerned, I am god. If you whine and complain and bitch and moan and piss me off, it’s not hard to find “something fishy” about your ID. And legally, I don’t need any reason beyond “it doesn’t look right” to deny a sale.
17. I don’t care who you voted for. I don’t care what your religious views are. I don’t care to tell you mine, either. I’ll talk to you about t-shirts or tattoos for 20 minutes, but don’t push it.
18. There is a law of physics that states that wherever trash is thrown on a gas station counter, a trash can WILL be within 6 inches of that spot. Seriously, use your eyes.
19. What’s on the counter is what you walk out the door with. If you got the wrong size soda, turn your butt around and go get the right one. I’m not smart enough to memorize the 16-digit UPC for all 2000 items we carry, and I don’t get paid enough to get it for you.
20. Yes, your Guy Fawks mask is funny, and made me laugh. Yes, you’re allowed to wear it in the store. Yes, you will be removing it completely before you try to pay with a credit card.
21. If you want to “surprise” the guy who has to clean the bathrooms, taking a dump on the floor then smearing it all over the walls and ceiling is not “doing it right”. At least put forth some effort. While still disgusting in the most visceral way, at least I can respect the effort of the guy who spent 30 minutes in the bathroom “producing” 1/2 liter of semen in a bottle to leave as a gift in the sink.
And no, none of this was hypothetical.